BREAKING: Punxsutawney to retire Phil the groundhog, exchange him with Greta Thunberg

Folks ship me stuff. A buddy of mine (an insider within the groundhog committee bunker) tells me that as a result of stress they’re getting from PETA (for groundhog abuse) that they’ll quickly announce that they’re retiring ” Punxsutawney Phil”, the well-known climate prognosticator, and exchange him with globally revered little one local weather forecaster Greta Thunberg.

Apparently, the behind-the-scenes argument for that is that since all “climate is now local weather” every day, they’ll safely swap from a rodent-based climate forecaster to a brat-based human local weather forecaster.

Whereas PETA has been calling for an “animatronic” groundhog robotic to exchange Phil, the groundhog committee felt that wouldn’t be plausible, and for the reason that identical type of people who consider within the reliability of rodent-based climate forecasting, would additionally probably consider Greta Thunberg’s local weather prognostications, the committee determined she can be a greater and extra plausible match than a robotic.

This makes as a lot sense to me as anything I’ve heard about local weather alarmism.

Star of the film Groundhog Day, Invoice Murray, had no remark when requested, however he’s already taken the unemployed Phil away on an alternate timeline loop:

In the meantime, our resident cartoonist, Josh, has summed all of it up very properly:

Josh labored on a Sunday (Tremendous Bowl Sunday and Groundhog Day no much less) to get this performed, so please purchase him a pint right here.

Large h/t to Mike Wolcott for beginning the ball rolling.

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